Harvard Lampoon

About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him–which I assumed was wildly out of his control–that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he had kissed me. And thus Belle Goose falls in love with the mysterious and sparkly Edwart Mullen in the Harvard Lampoon’s hilarious send-up of Twilight. Pale and klutzy, Belle arrives in Switchblade, Oregon looking for adventure, or at least an undead classmate. She soon discovers Edwart, a super-hot computer nerd with zero interest in girls. After witnessing a number of strange events–Edwart leaves his tater tots untouched at lunch! Edwart saves her from a flying snowball!–Belle has a dramatic revelation: Edwart is a vampire. But how can she convince Edwart to bite her and transform her into his eternal bride, especially when he seems to find girls so repulsive? Complete with romance, danger, insufficient parental guardianship, creepy stalker-like behavior, and a vampire prom, Nightlight is the uproarious tale of a vampire-obsessed girl, looking for love in all the wrong places.

A loving but take-no-prisoners (grant them full amnesty) send-up of the beloved book and television franchise, Lame of Thrones will do for Game of Thrones what Nightlight and The Hunger Pains did for Twilight and The Hunger Games, offering fans a way of reentering the fictional world they have come to love and exploding all of its conventions-as well as their expectations of the characters-to hilarious ends. This side-splitting gut-busting laugh-tastic rib-tickling make-you-laugh ha-ha parody may just even leave you more satisfied than the actual ending of Game of Thrones. And in addition to fancy-shmancy satisfaction, this book will also leave you with something way more important-something no book ever has been able to achieve: gratuitous sex and violence that is somehow more graphic than the sex and violence on the TV version of Game of Thrones. Lame of Thrones will take you to Westopolis, where several different extremely attractive egomaniacs are vying to be ruler of the realm and sit on the Pointy Chair. Our hero Jon Dough was a likely bet, but the untimely murder of him by his own men of the Night's Crotch has made that seem less likely. However, Smellisandre, a witch who has the uncannily convenient ability to bring people back to life is also conveniently located in the same room as Jon's corpse, so maybe she'll do something about it? Will Dragon Queen Dennys Grandslam escape from her Clothkakhi captors and return to conquer the world? Or will she just get left in the desert for the rest of the books, counting grains of sand? And what about Jon Dough's siblings Bland Snark, who's off training with the Pink Eyed Raven, and Malarya Snark, who's off training with the Tasteless Men? Will they be mentioned? Probably? Almost definitely, yes? It would be weird if they weren't prominent characters in the book, you say? To find out, read the book you wish George R.R. Martin would write, aka the book that brought The Harvard Lampoon out of publishing retirement-after five years of wandering the wasteland of the internet-ready to serve parody notice to Game of Thrones, one of the most popular book and television franchises of the past two decades.