Lucien Young

**TOTALLY INAUTHENTIC** Unfiltered thoughts from the nation’s foremost pub bore Love him or hate him, you can’t avoid Nigel Farage. Remarkably, it looks as though this veteran rabble-rouser, gold bullion salesman and part-time MP could soon inhabit 10 Downing Street. But what does the Clacton Klaxon really think? This unconventional ‘diary’ takes you behind the scenes as Nige embarks on a chaotic odyssey of campaigning, complaining and day-drinking. Whether you regard Reform’s leader as a deranged demagogue or a noble champion of Legitimate Concerns™, one thing’s for sure: it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

In this explosive first-person account of swapping the White House for the Big House, Donald Trump aims to Make Prison Great Again.MARCH 31It''s been two weeks since they put me in The Hole. Very unfair! No-one is treated as unfairly as Trump. Many people say that solitary confinement is a kind of torture. I''m not so sure. I''m getting to spend a lot of time with my favourite person in the world. I say to him: "Mr President, remember when you met Bo Derek at the PGA Tour Championship? She had the hots for you, believe me." And he''ll reply: "I agree, Mr President. Also, I was a better golfer than anyone in the tournament.And that''s without cheating, which I would never do, believe me."So I''m doing amazing. Incredibly well. Some would say I''m the best Hole Guy ever. Not like those losers who go nuts...Of course the verdict was VERY UNFAIR - they were meant to be a jury of his peers, but none of them were billionaires. Still, the trial got AMAZING ratings. Now locked up in Smallhand State Prison, our presidential protagonist goes full Samuel Pepys and attempts the first BESTSELLER to be written entirely on toilet paper.Life inside is tough for Trump: he experiences withdrawal symptoms from social media and is no longer able to watch Fox News all day. But he soon realises that incarceration isn''t a punishment, it''s an OPPORTUNITY, and attempts to conquer the clink as he once conquered AMERICA. Can Donald rise to become prison kingpin, smuggling McDonald''s Filet-O-Fish and tutoring fellow inmates in the Art of the Deal?Interspersed with reports from Smallhand''s resident psychologist, Trump: The Prison Diaries is a satirical riot - The Apprentice meets The Shawshank Redemption. So brace yourself, because orange is the new orange.

‘I have the best ghosts, everyone says so’ President Ebenezer Trump, a rich old fool whose heart is as small as his hands and whose words are as false as his hair, sits shut up alone in the White House on Christmas Eve. But he is confronted that night by the ghost of Richard Nixon, who warns him that he will be visited by three spirits, all intent on changing his imprudent and miserly ways. He meets the jovial Ghost of Christmas Past, Bill Clinton, full of fun tales and memories; the spirit who everyone wishes was still the Ghost of Christmas Present, Barack Obama; and the terrifying Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, who shows him how abolishing Obamacare will finish off Tiny Tim. But will Trump heed their advice, and become a good person?